


Hands Clean

by aintitfun



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Childhood Sexual Abuse, Crying, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Past Sexual Assault, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-06
Updated: 2015-03-06
Packaged: 2018-03-16 13:56:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3490871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aintitfun/pseuds/aintitfun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The sound of the faucet sends Tyler down a road of memories he'd been trying so hard to forget.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hands Clean

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [i bared my soul, and i'm not afraid (i am beautiful with you)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1126632) by [SoloChaos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoloChaos/pseuds/SoloChaos). 



> TW: sexual assault, childhood sexual abuse, implied PTSD and anxiety
> 
> If you are possibly triggered by any of these things, please do not read.

The sound of the faucet running plunged Tyler deep into the rabbit hole of his uncharted memories. He felt the bile sting the back of his throat as he tried to suppress the thoughts threatening to pull him down further. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Wasn’t it always like this?

 

[————] 

 

“C’mon, just let me have a taste, nothing more and nothing less.” Tyler felt completely vulnerable lying on his stomach completely naked, while the older man remain fully clothed. _Sunday_ , who had been his “friend” for almost two years, was now crouched between his legs slowly making a trail of kisses on the back of Tyler’s thighs. After adrunken confession that at 24, Tyler was still a virgin, they had ended up in his bed. Tyler squirmed as he felt his length press against his stomach. He wanted this, so why was he so uncomfortable?

 

He let out a high pitched moan as the feeling of wetness covered his hole. He felt his chest grow tight and attempted slow breaths to stay focused. Fingers pressed inside of him that weren’t his own felt so foreign. “God, you’re so tight. I want to be inside of you.” 

 

Tyler felt his breathing grow shallow. He wanted this. He shouldn’t be upset. “N-no, I’m not…” Tyler bit his lip as _Sunday_ pushed his fingers deeper inside of him. “‘m not ready.” 

 

He felt a smile press against his skin, but it felt more like a blade. “I _really_  like you, Tyler.” 

 

He felt his heart leap into his throat. “Y-you do?” He tired to hide his disbelief in his voice to no avail. 

 

“Turn over so I can see your beautiful face.” Tyler rolled over on his back as _Sunday_ pulled off his shirt, leaving him feeling a little less vulnerable. _Sunday_ forced his thumb into Tyler’s entrance. “Don’t you want to feel me inside of you?”

 

Tyler gripped the sheets and pulled himself up. “Stop. S-stop.” _Sunday_ halted his actions and grazed his lube covered fingers on Tyler’s inner thigh. He pulled away from the older man and held his knees close to his chest. “I’m gonna put my clothes back on.” Tyler’s voice sounded hoarse and his throat felt sore, even though he had barely spoken at all. 

 

 _Sunday_ got up from the bed and made his way to the bathroom. The sound of the faucet sent a wave of shame through Tyler’s body. The older man placed a rough kiss on his forehead. “I’ll text you, okay?”

 

The sound of the lock clicking felt like thunder shaking through his bones as his body wracked with sobs. Nothing happened. He shouldn’t be upset. 

 

[————]

 

It was the same thing every week. They would go to the club, the only one they could get into at age 18, because it was free and Tyler couldn’t sleep anyway. 

 

Tyler stepped away from his friend, who was too busy dancing on some guy to notice. He stared himself down in the washroom mirror, poking at the bags under his eyes. “Looks like someone needs to catch up on their beauty sleep.” Tyler jumped at the sudden voice behind him. A security guard sneered at his reflection. “Not to say that you’ll need much anyway, cutie.” The older man laughed and gave him a quick wink. Tyler hid his shaking hands by gripping onto the basin of the sink. 

 

This same employee hit on him ever week when they came in. Tyler never knew how to rebuff his advances without being rude. They guy was probably just bored or lonely and he didn’t want to hurt his feelings. 

 

“You know what would put you right to sleep?” Tyler shook his head as the man pinned him to the sink with his waist. “A good fucking.” He felt the man’s excess saliva hit his ear with the extra enunciation on his lewd statement. Tyler opened his mouth to protest and the guard shushed him with a finger to his lips. “Why don’t you come home with me tonight instead of your limp dick friend? I know exactly what a little twink like you needs.” Tyler pushed back, attempting to free himself from the man’s vice and was met by a pair of arms stronger than his own. “Oh oh, someone’s a little eager, aren’t they?”

 

From the far end of the bathroom, they heard the distinct sound of water hitting cheap linoleum. The guard whipped his head in the direction of the noise. “You alright kid?” The person asked as they calmly rinsed their hands.

 

“We’re fine. Thanks.” The security guard stated defensively as he slowly backed away from Tyler.

 

“I was talking to the kid, not you.” The man made eye contact with Tyler’s shaking figure in the mirror.

 

“I’m just w-waiting for my, um, friend.” Tyler fought back his tears as he answered. 

 

As if on cue, Tyler’s classmate and ride home for the night ran into the bathroom in somewhat of a frenzy. “There you are! I’ve seriously been looking everywhere for you.” His oblivious friend grabbed his wrist and lead him towards the door. “C’mon, I’ve got class in the morning.” Tyler mouthed a quick thank you to the stranger and received a small nod in return. 

 

That night, he cried himself to sleep for the first time in 6 years. 

 

[————]

 

At 12 years old, Tyler felt like he was past the age to need a babysitter, but his parents didn’t agree. It’s not that he hated having the sitter, she just made him a bit uncomfortable sometimes.

 

 **B** was 16 years old and had known his family for as long as Tyler could walk. She was always wearing low cut shirts and casually caressing his face or shoulders when no one else was around. He tried his best to avert his eyes whenever she would bend over to talk to him. It made his stomach hurt and his jeans feel tight and he didn’t like it. 

 

“Are you gay, Tyler?” **B** twirled her blonde hair with her index finger while she stared down the confused boy. 

 

Tyler didn’t fully understand the concept of being gay, but he knew that it was bad. “No.” he quickly answered. 

 

She slid from her position on the arm of the couch down next to Tyler. “Prove it.” She ended her statement with a snap of her gum. He kept his eyes on the moving pictures in front of him as she snaked her hand into his lap. She stroked his inner thigh with her thumb as she inched closer to his small frame. He felt the heat radiating from her leg as their thighs pressed together on the couch. **B** gently cradled his hand in hers as she kissed his fingertips. The touch of her lips sent shivers down his spine and the nagging feeling in his stomach began. 

 

“How would I prove that?” Tyler’s gaze was now fixated on her nimble fingers playing with his.

 

 **B** lifted his chin to meet his eyes. “Do you trust me, Tyler?” He gulped and made a small noise of agreement. Her bright smile made his stomach flutter and put him at ease. She lowered his hand to the hem of her skirt and guided his actions with her own. 

 

Tyler’s stomach felt tight as his finger brushed the outside of her underwear. The feeling of nausea danced along his tongue. **B** pulled her panties to the side to reveal her wetness and Tyler fought back the urge to gag. “I don’t think I want to do this anymore.” His voice was so soft, it could barely be heard over the sound of the television. 

 

“Oh Tyler, you don’t want me to tell your parents that you like boys, do you?”

 

Tyler felt tears stinging his eyes and he quickly shook his head no. “I’m n-not… not gay.”

 

“Then show me.” **B** grabbed his wrist and Tyler’s thought faded to black. 

 

He saw flashes of his lip quivering as **B**  led him to the bathroom. He flinched as she turned on the faucet. “Wash your hands. I’m going to get your pajamas ready.” He was too dizzy to argue that he was old enough to get them himself. The scent of the almond milk soap couldn’t quell the sinking in his stomach. A mix of stomach bile and mac and cheese filled the sink as Tyler lamely attempted to hide the sound of his puking. 

 

A sliver of light cut a line through Tyler’s room as his mom peeked in on him when they arrived home. He could hear the quiet murmuring between **B** and his parents in the hallway. At the sound of the lock clicking, signaling her departure, Tyler’s body shook as he clutched his pillow and cried. “Please God, just make me normal. Please j-just… I want to be normal.” He pleaded through his tears until his sobbing put him to sleep. 

 

[————]

 

“Dude, we should get tacos before bed.” Josh yelled over the sound of the water as he soaked a wash cloth for his boyfriend. “I don’t know about you, but I’m star-“ The word died on his lips as he witnessed Tyler’s breakdown. The younger man was curled in a ball on the bed, sobbing into his clenched fists. Josh rushed to his side and brushed the hair from Tyler’s forehead. “What’s wrong, love? Speak to me, please.”

 

Tyler grabbed onto Josh’s arms and pulled him close. “Please d-don’t l-leave me. Please don’t leave.” Tyler’s nails left tiny marks as he pleaded with his boyfriend to stay. 

 

“Woah woah woah, I’m not going anywhere. I just needed to get something to clean you up.” Josh attempted to reach for the lukewarm washcloth and Tyler dug his nails into the older mans arms. 

 

“Everyone leaves! They j-just use m-me then leave. Please don’t-“ Tyler was gasping for breathe as he tried to push out his thoughts in short bursts. “I’m sorry I made you wait. I’m sorry.”

 

“Shhh, take a deep breath love. Your going to hyperventilate if you don’t. I know you hate how dizzy it makes you. Let’s take a moment to calm down, okay?” Josh gently pried Tyler’s nails from his arms, pulling in the shaking man to help him relax. 

 

“I’m sorry I made you wait.” Tyler repeated when he was calm enough to speak again. 

 

The two men leaned against the headboard as they remain tangled in each other’s arms. “I don’t know why you’re apologizing. I would never rush you to do something you’re not ready for.” Josh placed a small kiss on the top of Tyler’s head. “Were you not ready tonight?”

 

Tyler shook his head and twisted to face Josh. “No, I was, really. It just brought up a lot of stuff I’ve been trying to forget.” At the mere thought of his past, Tyler’s face began to grow pale. “I just thought once you got what you wanted, you’d leave like everyone else.” Tyler’s voice cracked and he squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself not to cry again. “I really love you, Josh. The thought of losing you just-“ He curled into himself as he surrendered to his tears. 

 

Josh pulled him in tight, making soothing sounds to assure the younger man that his emotions were valid. “I love you too, so so much and I can’t promise you forever. I just don’t think that’s realistic. I can promise you that right now and in the very near future, I’m not going anywhere.”

 

That night marked two whole years since Tyler had cried himself to sleep and he hoped and prayed he would never have to again. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Personal PSA from me: If anyone makes you feel uncomfortable at all, you have every right to tell them to stop or leave you alone. If you're uncomfortable, it's not consensual.


End file.
